BY MAORE ITHULA
Siblings of the late Cabinet Minister Njenga Karume are at each other’s throats in inheritance and succession battles. It was the same story soon after Gerishon Kirima, another former Cabinet Minister, passed on some years ago. Tuskys Supermarket, the second largest chain of convenient stores, was almost ruined by sibling rivalry. The dust has not settled on another battle between brothers who own Naivas Supermarket.
Actually, our judicial system is jammed with cases of sibling suing one another. Often, quite a number of these cases end in regrettable physical confrontation or even death. Sometimes the cases drag for years, with no end in sight. And legal processes are extremely draining.
David Kirimi falls in the last category. Actually, Kirimi is a troubled man. The beleaguered 50-year-old father of three has no friend in his three brothers and four sisters. An expert says Mr Kirimi’s fault is being the first born in a family of eight.
Until he met a psychologist who diagnosed him a victim of sibling rivalry, Kirimi was at the verge of depression. A month ago, when he could no longer bear the openly raw hatred he was receiving from his brothers and sisters, Kirimi approached James Mbugua, a counselling psychologist. The Nairobi based businessman was by then terribly dejected, which led him to confide in the psychologist who is also a close friend.
A week earlier, he told Mbugua, his three brothers had illegally descended into his property in Meru and subdivided it. The property is his birthright; he inherited it from his father. When their father shared out his estate years ago, Kirimi’s siblings also received and still have their fair share of the inheritance. Curiously, those siblings still want to disinherit their brother.
“It beats me why this is happening to me; it does not make any sense,” Kirimi complained. “I have a title deed for the property and I can throw my brothers out at will. But before I do that, I want to understand what is really happening. What drives them into this? Have they gone out of their minds? As I know, none of them is insane but they still act as if they are possessed by the devil himself. Please help me.”
Mr Mbugua who is a lecturer in counselling and psychology at African Nazarene University established that some lapses in parenting had made Kirimi a victim of sibling rivalry. To get a better understanding of the roots of Kirimi’s predicament Mbugua arranged an interview with his patient.
With a Bachelor of Commerce degree, Kirimi is the most learned of his siblings. However, after hunting for a job in vain for a several years, he opted for self employment. He does not regret that decision. Still, the businessman is unhappy to have enemies where there should be none at all. He says: “I was brilliant in school. The same cannot be said of my siblings. Although all except one have gone through high school, none of them has received a university education. My parents did their best to see us all through school but my siblings were simply not gifted in academically.”
All the same, Kirimi reveals, there was a problem in the upbringing of his siblings and himself. He is the first born. He was obedient, hard working and bright. He was generally the shining star in the family. Thus in his childhood, Kirimi was the point of reference on nearly everything in the family. He used that glory while it lasted and would go to great lengths to ensure he retained the status of being an example in the family and to get his parents’ attention.
Kirimi is followed by a brother, a sister, and another brother, in that order. The rest follow in the same alternate order. He recalls that as they grew up, things started going wrong. Gradually, Mr Kirimi became the object of attack from all of his siblings.
He says: “When I reflect back, my siblings have been like leeches. They want me to do everything for them. Whenever any of them sees me with anything good or of value, they want it. And they are thankless. When I refuse to relent, they throw tantrums. In my youth, I did whatever they wanted. But I cannot do it now. I have my priorities and commitments to my own family.”
Kirimi’s nearest and supposedly dearest people have been his enemies for a long time.
Kirimi, says Mbugua, is not alone in this. He points out that although sibling rivalry can never be fully eliminated, parents can help to contain and prevent it from spiralling into the dangerous proportions that it has in Kirimi’s case.
The don blames Kirimi’s problems on poor parenting. Like with firstborns everywhere, world, Kirimi was used by his parents as an example to experiment with and learn how to be parents. Thus in his childhood, Kirimi was showered with all the love from his parents. Their attention to this child was undivided. The baby got everything it needed.
As he progressed in his growth, again, like all firstborns, responsibilities and expectations were laid on his shoulders. Thus Kirimi had no option but to be a perfectionist. He had to meet his parents’ expectations to continue enjoying their unreserved attention. He had to excel in everything he did.
But, Mbugua offers, his parents made one mistake, which is what haunts him now: comparing him with his siblings. Says Mbugua:
“The worst that should happen in a family is for parents to compare a child with the other. If that happens, the better performing child will be at a disadvantage because the rest will rebel and gang up against him/her.”
Mbugua says it got worse when Kirimi made it to university and the rest of his siblings did not, thus confirming that he was indeed better than them.
There is yet another aspect. The gap between Kirimi and the second born is six years. According to Mbugua, this gap is too huge. He says research and experts in his profession have established that the wider the gap between children, especially between the first and second born, the more severe and dangerous their rivalry becomes.
Dr Philomena Ndambuki, an education psychologist, guidance and counselling specialist, concurs with Mbugua. She says the main cause of sibling rivalry is birth order, a term used by psychologists to rank siblings by age so that there is the first born, middle born(s) and the last born. Birth order, she says, has lasting effects on an individual’s style of life, including how one handles friendships, love and sometimes work, later in life.
Says Philomena: “The worst effect of birth order might befall the first born because parents use him/her to experiment on parenting. When the first born is catching up with the many demands set by their parent(s), the second born appears. This, obviously, threatens the position of the first. Usually the second born will be referred to as the ‘child’ while the first is presumably clustered with the grownups. Thus, every time, the fist born will be obliged to give up this or that to mollify the ‘baby’. Thus bit by bit, attention shifts from the first born to the second, third, and so on,” says the lecturer, who is also the director of Kenyatta University’s Mentoring Programme.
“Even when the third born comes, they are lumped with second born as ‘babies’ while the first continues to be classified as an already ‘grown’ child. Slowly, the first born gets ‘dethroned’ usually by the second.”
She cautions that although it is more often the trend, it is very dangerous, if the first born succeeds in life and the rest don’t because, in this eventuality, they gang up against him/her wanting everything as they grow up. They grow up, in the case of Kirimi, believing the first must relinquish everything to them.”
But in many cases though, firstborns’ positions are often obliterated by the rest of the siblings.
The experts point out that the first recorded case of sibling rivalry is between Cain and Abel, where God rejects Cain’s sacrifice but accepts Abel’s offer. Abel is the younger of the two. In frustrated anger, Cain murders Abel. This story is both in the Bible and the Koran.
“Through all generations and in all societies across the globe, there is and there will always be sibling rivalry. What causes this contention and the proportion it takes though, varies from one family and one society to the other,” Mbugua says.
In most families in Kenya, Mbugua has observed over time, the second born, especially a son, eventually acts like the first born because the pressure to cede ground as they grow up is intense for the first. And having been conditioned, by inappropriate parenting to give in to the second born, the first born ‘fades away’, so to speak.
“Because from the time the second born comes, the first born has been psychologically conditioned to believe the rest are children, they (first born) continue to give in. This behavior progresses in latter life and the second takes over. The rest may not mind so much, as long as it is not the first born in control,” he says.
Philomena describes sibling rivalry as the strife for positions as defined in the birth order that has been set by nature. Whereas she appreciates that nothing can be done to stop this rivalry, she insists that only parents can aggravate the strife by comparing their children.
She says: “Parents should not compare the strengths of their children in the hope of inspiring the weaker one because that draws a wedge between them instead. Every child has his/her strength that should be emphasised and nurtured.”
Mbugua is convinced every child, young as they might be, has their own individuality and parents should address them that way. He explains: “Every child is an individual with an identity. And every child has their specific strength. As such, parents should help them to develop that identity by dealing with them individually with their specific strengths, without comparing them with their siblings.”
Like grownups, the experts say, children have their tastes and preferences even when they are of the same sex. They should be allowed to choose and their choices, however strange, should be respected. “If a child makes a choice, no one should oppose or scorn it. Often, it happens in families with the bigger children belittling the young ones for making choices that may seem funny. There is no such a thing as an ugly/wrong choice made by child especially in terms of clothing, toy or colour. That choice should always be respected,” says Philomena.
Moreover, says Mbugua, children need privacy however little there is and that should be respected. When they hide their little treasures, their lairs should be left that way-concealed.
However, he points out, there are cases where cheeky siblings embarrass their brothers/sisters by exposing what has been hidden. Parents should discourage such behavior because such habits erode mutual respect between children, thus breeding mistrust and animosity. The offended child may never forget such an episode and may seek revenge in future, consciously or unconsciously.
Another factor that may intensify sibling rivalry, says Mbugua, is unavailability of parents.
“When parents do not have time for their children, this vacuum excavates rivalry between them as each jostles for their specific space and position. Parents should be available to help their children learn how to share material things like food clothing and food,” he says.
Although Philomena believes there could never be any benefits in any rivalry, Mbugua judges this age-old natural misbehaviour differently.
Philomena says: “There is nothing good that can ever come out of sibling rivalry. All cases I have come across are ugly.”
On the other hand, Mbugua avers: “Competition is good, even between siblings. That is why I insist that parents should guide their children well, ensuring that they nip any negative aspect of this strife in the bud. Because we cannot prevent it, proper parenting can convert sibling rivalry into an asset.”
This can be done by giving children a chance to choose their course in life without making them copy one another by comparing them.
“Ideally, we can help our children to grow with positive rivalry by including them in making family rules. All children should be given an opportunity to openly present their views on how they would want to lead their lives. Punishment for breaking any of the rules should be fair.”
Mbugua says, for obvious reasons, in the African set up, daughters are worst affected by sibling rivalry, especially in older age. “Because in nearly all African societies women have no right to inherit, sibling rivalry takes higher toll on daughters than sons. Fortunately Kenya’s new set laws gives women the right to inherit property from their parents,” he says.
The two academicians also disagree on whether sibling rivalry knows class or not.
Whereas Philomena thinks this strife knows no class, Mbugua says sibling rivalry is most intense and takes a dangerous turn among the haves as opposed to the have-nots. For this reason, Mbugua says, there is more strife between siblings of rich families because there is more material things to compete for and, in most cases, wealthy parents usually do not have a lot of time with their children. These families are also smaller, further raising the stakes of the dangled carrot.
Although the infighting might be more common among the rich, where parents have little time to give appropriate parenting, sibling rivalry can take dangerous and often fatal proportions in slums where there is less space, little or no wealth and, often, no food.
Mbugua also has an interesting insight of sibling rivalry in mainly polygamous families in the African set up. “There were many mitigating factors in the large often polygamous traditional African families. The most important of all is that there was a lot of parenting by the extended family even in the absence of parents, in effect reducing the grievousness of sibling rivalries.”
On the other hand, Philomena says sibling rivalry is subtle in families where parents are learned and exposed. Thus, she points out, with the new technology more parents are likely to use the internet to learn how to properly bring up their children.
Finally, the two experts also agree this strife in the family is not influence by urbanization. They say although no research has been conducted, there is nothing to show that there is more rivalry among siblings in rural areas than urban centres and vice versa.
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