Psychology of functional versus dysfunctional families

BY Maore Ithula

In the last few months, many women have been stripped in public in an unprecedented wave of a rare crime, with the felons accusing their victims of dressing indecently or provocatively. Many of the offenders have since been apprehended and they are now at various stages of being prosecuted.

The Last month the Nairobi Law Monthly established that the offenders have a big psychological problem, which emanates from poor parenting. A family psychologist says such anarchic behavior among Kenyans stems from the rising numbers of dysfunctional families in the country. 

Dr Philomena Ndambuki, an education psychologist and a specialist in guidance and counselling at Kenyatta University, says the youths suspected to have engaged in the stripping are people who, in their childhood, never learnt the importance of boundaries. In functional families, children grow up with this crucial knowledge and respect of boundaries in any situation, including their adult life. 

Boundaries between people, the expert says, are what distinguish each person as an individual with separate thoughts, behaviours and feelings. The freedom/territory of person X ends where that of person Y begins, and vice versa. That point should be clearly defined and respected by both parties, young or grownup. Knowledge of this fact, she adds, helps one to respect other people’s freedoms. This knowledge makes people tolerant of others. It is the cornerstone of civility and a crucial building block of democracy and certainly, this is not taught to children born in dysfunctional families.

The don says the ease with which (a) tout(s) in the city centre summoned a sizeable number of youths to strip that woman is a clear indication of a society in serious family crisis. It is an indicator that all of them never respected other people’s freedoms. In her view, at that time, there was a significant population of youths who were brought up in dysfunctional families within that small area of the town. The stripping incidents are giving the psychologist sleepless nights because, in her analysis, the number of offensive youths was either very big, or every older (reasonable) persons in the neighbourhood was equally irresponsible.

She wonders: “We all know that before colonisation, Africans barely wore any clothing, not even miniskirts. So where did this concept of a dress code come from? Why don’t Maasai, Samburu or Turkana youths strip their women, who barely cover their bodies?”

Furthermore, she says, the fact that nobody tried to save the situation is yet another indication that even the not-so-young Kenyans who witnessed the unkind incident condoned the crime. Where she stands, silence by a witness of a violent attack on a woman or a child in brazen daylight presupposes guilt of the onlooker either by omission or commission.

Says the don: “If it takes only a short, tight-fitting skirt on young lady body to provoke such untoward behaviour from the youths on the streets of the city, then the potential for youths in Kenya to commit heinous gender-based crimes is mind boggling. And because not a single passer-by or even staff of the management of the bus terminus where the women were attacked raised a finger, I can safely say everybody at the scene condoned the offense, or their consciences were guilty of committing similar offence in the past, or have the potential to do so in future. Put differently, I would say those who stripped the woman and those who stood aside and looked without rescuing her from her tormentors suffer from effects of growing up in dysfunctional families.”

Dr Ndambuki points out that the actions of the real culprits and the onlookers who saw no evil in what they were witnessing are both patients of emotional and psychological conditions occasioned by improper parenting. She says because majority of Kenyans are raised in dysfunctional families, we are witnessing all manner of pervasive behaviours among youths and even senior leaders in nearly every sector of the economy.

The definition of a functional family is hazy. Depending on the issue at hand, a functional family can be described as one where proper and mature behaviour of two parents cultivates a healthy balance between individuality and relational skills among family members. It is said to be one where healthy emotional, psychological and spiritual growth is cultivated among family members. Otherwise it can also be said be a system where, as family members encounter problems, they cultivate the ability to face difficulty with confidence and the support of other family members.

Equally, a dysfunctional family is one where improper and immature behaviour of at least one parent damages the growth of individuality and healthy relational skills among family members. Psychologists also say it is one where family members are impaired emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. They also describe it as the one where everyone is negatively affected even when only one family member experiences a problem.

The originators of street families anywhere in Kenya are dysfunctional families, says Dr Ndambuki. Now there are hundreds of thousands of these people in our midst and their numbers are increasing. “Every day, we hear somewhere in Kenya a man has killed his family and committed suicide. At the other corner, a mother burns her son’s backside with hot iron box for stealing ten shillings. Cases of children killing parents to inherit property are common. Another rung up the social ladder, a police officer kills his boss and turns his weapon on self, as a teacher in the same neighbourhood beats a pupil to death for coming to school late.”

“Higher up, a county commissioner steals relief food when a lawyer on the far corner of the same county is busy stealing from a client while a preacher is caught in a compromising situation with a married woman from his congregation. Senior government officials plunder public coffers and grab land with unconcealed impunity. Don’t we know children of tycoons who ended up as paupers even after inheriting so much? All these are products of dysfunctional families.”

In a nutshell, the don says, the phrase family dysfunction refers to a cluster of common behaviours that permeate and twist the dynamics of a family into a tangled web of unhealthy interactions. These characters are carried over to the public when children from these families take up jobs with unenviable consequences to the entire society.

In brief she says dysfunctional families are characterised by constant conflicts resulting into unfaithfulness, rebellion of children, poor communication between members, instability, quarrels, misunderstandings, and emotional and often physical fights. Here, members do not fend for each other or encourage one another. On the other hand in a functional family, members learn to trust one another, when speaking their gestures and tone of voice match their words.

She offers: “In a functional family, members are individuated or rather differentiated. This means they are able to choose between being guided by their emotions and thoughts. They are able to allow their intellect to take charge instead of emotion. They are more of thinkers than they are emotionally reactive. Their reactions are not automatic but involve a reasoned and balanced assessment of self and others. The differentiated person transforms any family stress into a challenge that can be tackled. They are focused and centred and their words match their behavior, they are able to make direct and clear statements. The individuated person faces stress with confidence and courage because they know they have inner ability to cope effectively and make sound choices and decisions.”

On the other hand, emotionally reactive or the undifferentiated/unindividuated persons present themselves as paranoid, anxious, panic stricken. Their fears overwhelm their thinking and reasoning. These are the villains we see everywhere every day. ”

Undifferentiated grownups stand out because they often placate others by saying and doing what they think is expected of them because they fear being rejected. They are conformists. They are blamers. 

They blame everybody and everything for their problems. They attribute responsibility for the way they are. At home and work places, they sacrifice others to maintain their view of themselves. They strive for complete control over themselves, others and their environment. In an attempt to avoid humiliation and embarrassment, they keep their emotions under tight check. They are rigid, distant and isolated from others.

The most recent updated description of the two extremes of the spectrum of family dynamics was posted in the internet on January 13 by Dr Salvador Minuchin, a renowned psychologist and author on family dynamics and systems. He says on the one end of the extremities is the highly functional and on the other is the highly dysfunctional structures. None of the two extremes is good for a child to grow in. The ideal place is somewhere in the middle. 

In Kenya only about 10 percent of all families fall in this enviable place of moderate functionality, says the don, while estimating that 30 percent of all families in the country are highly dysfunctional (disengaged) and 30 is highly functional (enmeshed). The rest are spread along the gray areas of the continuum spectrum. In total, a whopping 60 percent of the society is rotten!

But the don says there is no perfect family anywhere in the world because each family has its particular historical failures and successes. However, there are those families that are characterised by pervasive dysfunction and that is where crooks are born and bred. These bad traits are passed from one generation to the next resulting in clans or even whole communities behaving in a certain way.

The enmeshed family is characterised by an unhealthy connectedness (co-dependency). In this family, there are blurred boundaries which make it almost impossible for members to emerge with independent personalities. 

The disengaged family lies at the other extreme end of the continuum. It is made up of parents and children who share basic needs, but little else. A disengaged family is one in name only. It lacks intimacy and cohesion. 

“Regardless of which end of the spectrum a dysfunctional family occupies, there are common characteristics both,” says Dr Ndambuki, challenging every Kenyan to self-test on the five key unhealthy characteristics of a dysfunctional to find out whether their own families or their families of origin are/were functional or not.

Communication

In a dysfunctional family, she says, there is poor communication between members. They do not listen to each other. Rather they talk “at each other,” instead of “to each other.” Individual feelings are not recognised or validated in this family. The dominant member(s) lecture rather than participate in a shared conversation. In an enmeshed family, members are discouraged from having thoughts, ideas, or beliefs that might threaten the way the system currently operates. The dominant member(s) devalue input from children/other members that questions or challenges their established authority. 

Disengaged families simply don’t take the time or have the interest in pursuing communication. Family members live, not in the nucleus community, but in some degree of isolation from each other. There is little mutual accountability or responsibility except in areas that pertain to daily maintenance and/or survival.

Boundaries

Boundaries in a family are essential because they define “who you are, where you end, and where others begin.” Boundaries in relationships are what distinguish each person as an individual with separate thoughts, behaviours, and feelings. But in dysfunctional families, boundaries are set in an unhealthy manner.

For instance, in an enmeshed family, boundaries are rigidly placed around the entire unit and the most powerful individuals control the whole the system. Family members are encouraged to keep and protect family secrets. In an enmeshed family there is lack of privacy and members intrude and interfere in each other’s lives. Enmeshed families are frequently characterised by some form of abuse which may include physical, sexual, or substance abuse. Family members who attempt to break free of enmeshment are usually ostracised and accused of betrayal.

In the disengaged family, boundaries are few with each member functioning independently. Empathy and compassion for family members is often low or non-existent. In contrast with the enmeshed family where there is over involvement in each other’s lives, in the disengaged family there is no sense of cohesiveness or family loyalty. Children in a disengaged family are always neglected to some extent. Physical needs may or may not be met, but emotional needs are neglected. Just as the enmeshed family exerts strong control, the disengaged one has no internal control mechanisms and members tend to react to the community outside their home rather than living in community with others.

Identity

In a highly functional or enmeshed family, members are manipulated, coerced, and even shamed into protecting the family, clan or tribe. Individuals can feel a tremendous amount of guilt when they fail to live up to the expectations of others. Children often have roles that have been scripted by parents, dominant members, clan or the community. These roles predetermine how they should act in certain situations and deal with outside threats to the family, community or tribe system.

On the other extreme, children who grow up in highly dysfunctional or disengaged families where they are not taught self-control or how to set personal limits on behaviour. They are generally starved for attention and soon learn that they can obtain it through negative behaviour. Teenagers who shop lift and wantonly destroy the property of others are often children growing up in disengaged families. Vandalism and petty theft can be performance-based behaviours that provide individuals with a false sense of importance. Mob lynching and stripping women for this or that is not exceptional.

Emotional maturity

Members of an enmeshed family system are not given the opportunity to develop emotional maturity. Sharing personal feelings is a taboo that threatens to expose the family dysfunction. Love is a twisted emotion often conveyed as conditional, dependent upon whether a child or spouse complies with familial expectations. Children who grow up in an environment where there is no emotional security can reach adulthood without being able to label or express what they are feeling appropriately. Where there is no emotional validation, there is no emotional safety.

In a disengaged family there is little, if any, expression of affection. Children grow accustomed to fending for themselves and there is no emotional role model. Disengaged children become street-wise and learn to survive on their own, often resorting to unconventional and lawless methods. Feelings are a luxury that they can ill-afford because giving into a negative emotion can jeopardize survival. 

Denial and dishonesty

Both enmeshed and disengaged families tend to live a lie. The enmeshed family preserves the appearance of normalcy while hiding the severity and source of its dysfunction. The disengaged family denies the existence and the importance of the family unit. Its family members lie, not only to others, but to themselves. Neither family system is willing to honestly confront its dysfunction or take steps to change it. The enmeshed family fears retribution and change. The disengaged family denies the need to be a part of a family system.

Dysfunctional families generally have one or more dynamics that tend to permeate the entire system and alter the way in which every family member would normally function. These dynamics may include drug and alcohol addiction, mental illness, poor parenting styles, and criminal involvement. Some families have little chance to develop normally because of something twisted and unhealthy that forces each to abandon dreams and hopes for the future in favour of developing coping mechanisms that will focus on self-preservation. Dysfunctional families don’t thrive as a unit; instead, members spend their lives trying to find ways to survive on their own. When they succeed, they do not share with members of their family.

Because, functionality or dysfunctionality of a family is passed from one generation to the next, Dr Ndambuki says, whole clans or tribes/communities are affected either positively or negatively.

“It is common in the rural areas, for whole clans to be attributed to a certain aspect of character, either negative or positive. For example, if a certain crime is committed in the village, someone will easily attribute it to this or that child from that clan. On the other hand, if a pupil passes an exam well, it is likely they hail from a certain clan. 

“In the rural areas, there are clans known for taking up certain trades. There are even those destined to be leaders. On the bigger picture, certain communities are known to be fit for doing this or that whether in the negative or positive light. This all boils down to the functionality or dysfunctionality of the families in question, which might have started many generations back.”

All the same, says the expert, the scales can tilt when one person marries a spouse from a functional or dysfunctional family. Either can change the other for better or worse. And because of urbanisation, communities are borrowing different characteristics from others, she says. These interactive influences, the don says, may be positive or negative.

But like all psychological conditions, effects of dysfunctionality in the family can be treated through psychotherapy and counselling. Dr Ndambuki says she sees an average of 10 children aged three years and above every month. Only about two parents voluntarily show up for her services in the same period.

“Usually, parents don’t want to accept that their families are dysfunctional. But they are always forced out of their hiding when their children start suffering from the psychological problems associated with this issue because it is not possible to treat a child fully without involving their parent(s).”

It takes about six months to restore the emotional wellbeing of a child while it is two months faster to help their parent(s). However dysfunctions in the family institution are not new. It is seen in all religious scriptures.