A wedding is one of the happiest days in a young couple’s life. It marks the first step toward achieving their dreams of living together, filled with hope for starting a family and echoing with the pitter-patter of tiny feet in their first home.
Despite the congratulatory messages from friends and family, the well-wishes, and the couple’s faith in their union, for many, the thought and eventual reality of divorce come as a shock, difficult to digest.
Oddly enough, over the years, divorce rates have significantly risen. According to a 2023 survey, the divorce rate in Kenya stands at 1%. However, the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (KNBS) reported in 2020 that over 17% of marriages in Kenya ended in divorce that year.
Additionally, KNBS reported a 16.5% increase in households headed by divorced or separated individuals over the past decade, with one in every 18 households now led by someone in this situation.
As the saying goes, numbers do not lie. This raises the question: how many people have been affected by broken families? What were the causes, and how did they cope?
This article, however, chooses to focus on one particular question: what about the children?
Research conducted in the US reveals that 50% of children will experience the end of their parents’ marriage. The majority of divorces occur within the first 14 years of marriage, affecting many children under the age of 6. In fact, 61% of couples divorcing from their first marriage have children under 18.
Children are generally believed to heal more quickly, be more flexible, and adapt to change better than adults. Perhaps this is why many do not make it a priority to check in with them and understand how they are coping after such an experience.
Understanding How Children Respond to Divorce and Separation
Even though children might not know how to talk about their feelings, they often experience various types of loss when their parents split up. Concepts like being part of a family, having a sense of belonging, and feeling safe are crucial for children’s happiness, but these can be disrupted when parents separate.
Children’s reactions to divorce or separation vary depending on their age, stage of development, and the strength of their emotional bonds.
Here are some common changes you might observe in children after a divorce or separation:
- Young children often struggle to understand why they have to move between two homes. They may worry that if their parents can stop loving each other, they might someday stop loving them too.
- Grade school children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They might think they misbehaved or assume they did something wrong.
- Teenagers can become quite angry about the divorce and the changes it brings. They may blame one parent for the marriage ending or resent both parents for disrupting their family life.
Children’s Reactions by Age Group:
Infant to Three Years: Fear upon separation from the primary caregiver, confusion if the regular routine is interrupted, regression or other changes in eating, sleeping, and toilet habits, increased crying, temper tantrums, sulkiness, hitting, irritability, and withdrawal.
Preschool – Ages 3 to 6: Regressive behaviours like thumb-sucking and bed-wetting, clinging, whining, fear of being abandoned, anxiety, bewilderment, sadness, neediness, lack of interest in usual play activities, creation of fantasy stories, aggressive behaviour exhibited in play and/or towards parents, self-blame.
Ages 6 to 10: Sadness, hopelessness, crying, fear of being abandoned and being left without a family, feeling deprived, intense yearning for the absent parent, wishing and fantasising that the parents will reconcile, loyalty conflicts between the parents, anger towards parents, changes in eating and sleeping habits, lack of interest, poor concentration, problems with impulse control, fears of going to school, symptoms of physical illness.
Pre-teens and Adolescents: Intense anger, often directed at the parent they think wants the divorce, identification with and/or an attempt to become the companion of the parent they think is the victim, shaken sense of identity, symptoms of physical illness, school or peer difficulties, feeling disappointed in their parents, feeling disillusioned with relationships, and diminished self-esteem.
Additional reactions, include shoplifting, drug use, school failure and absenteeism, disruptive behaviour, threatening suicide, taking on new responsibilities in order to save the parent’s marriage, anguish and a profound sense of loss, depression, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems and fatigue, moral judgement towards parents; a belief that the parents are selfish and insensitive.
Other reactions include distancing from both parents, preoccupation with their future, feeling overwhelmed, particularly if one parent is relying on them for emotional support, pseudo-maturity and sexual activity, intensification of the normal risk-taking and rebellion of adolescence, worry about being loved and lovable.
College Age: A sense of relief, feelings of being torn, uncertainty and fear about continued or future education, yearning for an intact family, difficulty determining how to confide in one parent or the other, apprehension about repeating the pattern of an unsuccessful marriage.
Every situation is unique. In particularly challenging circumstances, a child might find solace in the separation, especially if it leads to fewer conflicts and reduced tension resulting from the divorce.
Mental Health Problems
Divorce can elevate the likelihood of mental health issues in children and adolescents. Irrespective of their age, gender, or cultural background, children with divorced parents often encounter heightened psychological challenges.
While some may undergo an adjustment disorder that typically resolves within a few months, research indicates that rates of depression and anxiety tend to be higher among children from divorced families.
Poor Academic Performance
Poor academic performance is not uncommon among children from divorced families. However, a 2019 study indicated that the impact on school performance varied depending on the circumstances surrounding the divorce.
Children from families where divorce came as a surprise often experienced difficulties with their academic endeavours. In contrast, those from families where divorce was anticipated didn’t necessarily face the same challenges in their academic performance.
Risk-taking Behaviour
Adolescents with divorced parents are more prone to engaging in risky behaviours, such as substance use and early sexual activity. Studies in the United States have shown that these adolescents tend to initiate alcohol consumption earlier and exhibit higher rates of alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and drug use compared to their peers.
Research published in 2010 revealed that adolescents whose parents divorced when they were 5 years old or younger faced a particularly elevated risk of becoming sexually active before the age of 16. Additionally, separation from fathers has been linked to a higher number of sexual partners during adolescence.
How to Help Children Cope with Divorce
To support children during a separation and alleviate their concerns, you should:
- Remind them that both parents love them unconditionally.
- Be honest in your discussions about the separation, but tailor your explanations to the child’s age and comprehension level.
- Avoid assigning blame and refrain from sharing any negative emotions the adults may have toward each other.
- Maintain consistent routines, such as attending school regularly and adhering to specific mealtimes and bedtimes, to provide stability and structure.
- Assure them that it’s perfectly normal to experience a range of emotions like sadness, confusion, or anger, and let them know they can always talk to you about how they feel.
- Prioritize listening over speaking during conversations about their feelings, and encourage them to share by asking open-ended questions. This will help them feel comfortable opening up to you.
When to Seek Help for Your Child
While divorce can be difficult for families, staying together solely for the children’s sake may not be the best choice if the home environment is filled with arguments and unhappiness. Living in such conditions can increase the risk of mental health issues and behavioral problems for children.
After a parental separation, it’s normal for children to struggle with their emotions and behavior. However, if these issues persist, seeking professional help is crucial. Individual therapy can help children process their feelings, while family therapy can address changes in family dynamics.
Some communities also offer support groups for children, providing them with a space to connect with others experiencing similar changes in their family life.
— By Ann Precious Kinyua
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